LilMissWhatsHerName

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow..."

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 12:21:26 -0500

“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion… love actually is all around.”

- David, The Prime Minister (Hugh Grant) in Love Actually (via averymodernraconteur)

"Ye are Blood of my Blood, and Bone of my Bone. I give ye my Body, that we Two might be One. I give..."

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 15:13:43 -0400

“Ye are Blood of my Blood, and Bone of my Bone. I give ye my Body, that we Two might be One. I give ye my Spirit, till our Life shall be Done.”

- Scottish wedding vows - Outlander -Diana Gabaldon (via dreamysim1)

Photo

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 16:25:05 -0400

Back with a vengeance

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 23:07:20 -0400

A few months back, I posted about my dreams, and my daemon. I’m happy to say that for about 6 months, my dear friend kept at bay and didn’t visit my sleep once.

But then, a few weeks ago he came back. I found myself in an awkward situation and my brains way of dealing with things was clearly to send my one and only troop in to highlight the problem.

The dreams have taken a slightly different form though. They’ve mutated into a clearer form of my subconscious mind and whilst they’re not as questioning or graphic, they are more haunting and provoking because I am clearly identifying what they are saying.

I’ve dealt with them in the same way I always have, rolling over and falling back asleep. But tonight I’ve actually taken a step to sort things, I wrote it down.

A few weeks after my dreams had started again, I started to become physically affected by my situation. I lost my apetite completely, and sleep became difficult. I felt constantly sick (whether it be with hunger or anxiety) and at night I found myself staring at the ceiling for hours on end. Even though I’d taken a big step to rectify my problem, for a couple of weeks I was lasting on literally a cheese and ham baguette and 2-3 hours sleep a day.

Sleep depravity has been a strong topic of conversation the last two weeks, what with my own problems, but also two of my closest friends are experiencing night after night of minimal sleep.

One of my friends started questionning herself when money started disappearing from her account, it turned out that she was a victim of fraud but in the days before she received that letter she was constantly asking herself if she had infact transferred that money herself and spent it whilst being in an almost dream-like/trance state.

My other friend has been complaining of just a few hours sleep each night, but when she recorded herself one night, she had in fact been carrying out mundane tasks like washing up without being aware or awake for it, and may actually be sleep walking.

This is why tonight’s dream has changed my way of thinking, and I’m now going to try and write everything down. I’m not going to list the details, it was too personal to be broadcast over the internet, but it has left me feeling quite shaken.

I’m pleased to say that the last 10 days or so, I have been a lot better. I’m eating more, even if it has just been a very small lunch and small dinner, and I’m sleeping longer. The last four days for example I haven’t been at work, so I’m sleeping at around 1am and waking up at 11am! Albeit a broken sleep, but I’m sleeping better.

Now there is no doubt in my mind that at the moment I have a guilty conscience. Where as, on paper, I have done nothing to feel guilty about, due to respect and care for another, I feel guilty that I have not been 100% truthful with them. And this is what tonight’s dream has played on.

I dreamt that I had basically been harrasing this person through texts and emails but I had no recollection of ever sending them. Quite heavy on my mind was the fact that I had still not told them the one thing I should, but I guess in a way, my messages were building up to it. Because I couldn’t work out how I’d sent these messages without my knowledge, I was asking over and over again, “Am I going crazy?” and “Am I mental?”

I’m hoping that in the morning I’ll have the courage to now tell this person exactly what has been playing on my mind, if nothing else but to make the dream never come back.

Daemons and Dreams

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 16:21:15 -0400

Everyone, at some point in their life has a daemon. It can take any form, and every now and then someone will identify it as something different; an addiction perhaps. Or a fear, a paranoia. It can even be a person. Your daemon will shape the way you live your life, the things you do, people you see and how you react. It will hide away until you least expect it and then come and rear it’s sometimes ugly, but most of the time beautiful, little head.

Five years, ten months ago I met a beautiful person. The kind of person that just exuded beauty, love and happiness. They had the kind of laugh that was infectious, a smile that was literally contagious and such an amazing sense of humanity. In terms of friendship, they were (and probably still are) my soul mate. I hurt them emotionally, when they were in perhaps the lowest point of their life. We worked through it as best we could, and at one point later we were stronger than before. But then something happened, and it changed, and we just stopped speaking.

I accepted that as friends, we were now at different places in our lives, and that if we were meant to be, we’d find each other again.

That’s when the daemon first appeared.

I had a dream that I was getting married to my then-boyfriend. I remember I was stood in front of a mirror, wearing a cream wedding dress with lace to my neck and I hated it! That was when my daemon appeared and asked “Why?” I started crying at this point in my dream and at the time I didn’t understand why. I woke shortly after feeling shaken and confused. I hadn’t given my friend a second thought in months, yet here they were, invading my dreams.

This was what I came to refer to them as – Dream Invasions. I didn’t have another one for a little while after the first, but they slowly became more and more regular over a year or so, to the point where they were every night, asking the same question “Why?” Sometimes it was obvious why they were asking, but in others we’d be sat in comfortable silence, everyday situations and he’d still ask the question.

My little daemon disappeared for a little while, once I’d shifted some people from my life. I thought I’d seen the back of him but he came back every now and then and I felt like he was checking up on me. He wouldn’t say anything, he’d just be there – lingering in the back ground.

I saw my daemon in human form two months ago. We ignored each other, it seemed like the best thing to do at the time. And since then he’s been about quite a bit, but after months of visits I’ve sort of numbed myself to them. If it were a real situation, it would be like seeing someone scary and intimidating on the same train everyday for months to the point where you start nodding at each other in acknowledgment and they no longer seem so imposing.

Last night my daemon came to say goodbye. He gave me a hug and told me he didn’t need to know “why?” anymore. And then he left.

The worst thing about your daemon is that often, you can enjoy having it there. It’s like your comfort blanket that you come to rely on. After two years of having no contact with one of the most amazing friends I’ll ever have, knowing there was a chance I could see him at some point in the night, kept me hopeful, even if it was a product of my imagination. I don’t want to forget him, I don’t want to forget the security I felt around him or the happiness he made me feel. But I feel an unnerving sense of calm by saying goodbye. I don’t doubt that at some point in the future I’ll see him again out and about. But I think, last night, my daemon was satisfied with who he saw.

A daemon is often likened to a guardian angel. Despite being a hindrance to my sleeping pattern, my daemon steered me out a couple of tricky situations purely by making me ask myself “Why?”. My friend is very much alive, and by all accounts well.

Photo

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 11:14:50 -0400

This sums up September 2011 for me.

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 13:32:20 -0400

This sums up September 2011 for me.

Lovelovelove my Kurt Cobain top <3<3<3

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 10:21:00 -0400

Lovelovelove my Kurt Cobain top <3<3<3

Christina Perri - FIT

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 06:44:03 -0400

Christina Perri - FIT

This is basically my cat… in dog/human form.

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 17:47:31 -0400

This is basically my cat… in dog/human form.

"There are things that I canna tell you, at least not yet. And I’ll ask nothing of ye that ye..."

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 16:30:41 -0400

““There are things that I canna tell you, at least not yet. And I’ll ask nothing of ye that ye canna give me. But what I would ask of ye, when you do tell me something, let it be the truth. And I’ll promise ye the same. We have nothing now between us, save respect, perhaps. And I think that respect has maybe room for secrets, but not for lies. Do ye agree?””

- James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser, Cross Stitch / Outlander - Diana Gabaldon

Adam Brody = Fit <3

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 16:16:00 -0400

Adam Brody = Fit <3